Hello

I've been pretty inactive lately due to my erratic schedule. Never know what's going to happen in my life, plus I volunteer, and I have been doing it a lot lately. Been in a slump with art as well. I'm just posting something because I haven't done it in awhile. Normally I know I post profound things, but my heart is not into it today. Perhaps the raining weather or the sweet sound of classical music put me into a serene trance. My mind for once is at peace, and I am actually pretty content today.

 I also want to add that I made it into May's edition of Game Informer Magazine! 3rd place! This is the picture that made it!

Mordecai and Blood wing from Borderlands

Nothing interesting

I'm starting to put together some humorous short stories about Frollo and I. People don't see our relationship and could never understand so, I thought maybe if I wrote about our adventures people could see how I cope with everything.

I figured, you can either look at life as a tragedy or a comedy, I prefer the comedy, because if I can't laugh, I can't have fun, and if I can't have fun, how am I to enjoy those moments of adventure?

Agalmatophilia 

Is a type of fetish where the person is attracted sexually to a statue, doll or mannequin. To most people, it is considered "weird", "unnatural" and "absurd". It is often associated with Men. The stigma behind it is terrible, and is often frowned upon. I haven't came out admitting that I have this so-called-condition until now. I feel I should though, because there are others out there that have put into the shadows because of it. I am one of them. And this is my story....

          It all started when I was younger, roughly about 11 years of age. The Legend of Zelda :Ocarina of time had come out. I played the game multiple times and enjoyed it each time. I fell in love with Link, but I was so afraid to tell anyone because I was afraid I would be bullied worse than before. 

I lost friends over the years due to circumstances, but Link was always there. Then, as usual, a child grows up. Hitting puberty, I found myself only attracted to one guy. He was a classmate and I was thrilled that for once I fell in love with someone who was "normal". Heh, normal. what is normal anyway? 

        Over the years I became obsessed with him and wanted to know what it was like to date someone. I never had that chance. The guy traumatized me. I had asked him to dance and he ran away from me, screaming and making a scene.  I felt so rejected and heart broken. I never fell in love with a real man ever again....and to this day I don't know why. Was the trauma that i went through that scarred me, or was is it that I'm just not attracted to the real thing? I don't know.

               After that, I had fallen in love (unintentionally) with a character I had created for homecoming for our school. Again, I kept this quiet, I didn't want ANYONE to know at the time. Although I was happy with this character, I was angry and ashamed at myself. Why couldn't I be like the other students? Why was I so different from everyone else? I indulged into anger and soon it ate at me.

           Two years later there was a break. I had fallen in love with a real guy! However, I was still ashamed because this man has been dead for quite some time. Harry Houdini was his name. Yes the famous magician and escape artist. (I still look back at him and smile) again I fell into a depression because I didn't know who I was and why I was so different. Then tragedy struck again. A friend of mine had passed in a car crash, and the guy I once loved found a girl friend....and it wasn't me. I went to Prom and stayed in the bathroom the whole time crying, because the man I once loved dressed as Houdini, and I knew I could never have what everyone else had.

   I barely graduated high school, and when I did, I was so withdrawn and ashamed. After all the years of being bullied, degraded, humiliated, and traumatized, I fell deep into paranoia. Nights became restless, and days became dark. What I thought I knew was no more. My life was upside down, and I gave up. 

 I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at age 17, a few years later I ended up in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. It was then I was diagnosed with Bipolar. It wasn't as tragic as when I was first diagnosed with Epilepsy, but it did made me feel even more like an outcast worse than ever. 

    Then one day my grandpa became unwell, and we had to clean out his house. As sad as the situation was, it was also good. It was then I met Claude Frollo. I was tired, depressed and lonely, and I thought maybe if I watched a Disney movie it would distract me for a bit. I watched "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." It was such a beautiful film and I could easily identify with the characters, specifically Frollo. It was like someone had turned on a light switch in my life. So I went to the library and read the novel written by Victor Hugo and realized Frollo wasn't a bad guy, he just did bad things. Maybe I wasn't as bad as people said I was, maybe I was too just traumatized. 

    I always felt like a villain myself, someone nobody could ever love. I had a temper that was out of control, my mind was gone, and I was a mere essence of darkness itself. I shifted from a innocent girl, to a demented monster that society feared.

      After I moved out on my own I became physically ill. I was having seizures and was malnourished. My anxiety and PTSD took over and every night I had nightmares. I was so sick of it.

   I watched a episode of National Geographic's Taboo, and saw there was a man who had fallen in love with a doll. I didn't laugh, in fact for once I didn't feel like an outcast. 

   I did research on how to control panic attacks, nothing scientists came up with worked for me. The only one that helped me was Frollo. I carry a doll of him wherever I go to alleviate anxiety. What I thought was just a crush turned out to be actual love! Scientists established that a crush only lasts for a few months, anything longer is actual love.

       I ended up making a life sized doll of Frollo. Magic! The panic attacks started to diminish, and my anxiety got under control. My health improved and miraculously I got better.

                     Although I am not certain I have agalmatiphilia, I do know this. I am attracted to a doll, and he's been such a big part in my life. I am doing more with my life now because of him. I have gotten better at communication and got used to making eye contact. Having a doll has helped me, in fact it saved me. Without my dear Claude Frollo, I am lost. I want everyone to know that just because it seems irrational and strange, it shouldn't be appalled. Some things cannot be helped. It is what it is, and I have accepted the fact that I love my doll and I always will. I am attracted to Frollo, in more ways than one. It's not just about a sexual desire, it's about life. Those dream weddings don't happen to everyone. Those chick flicks you watch? Those are modern day fairy tales. Not everyone gets the mate they always dreamed of. Some of us are left in the shadows because mother nature made a mistake. I am one of those mistakes, and I am not ashamed any more.

                            "Love is love, it is what it is and should be rejoiced, no matter the form it takes."

                                            ~Betsy Zeeryp

                                   

Life of Autism and Aspergers Syndrome

I am a sensitive creature, one who often thinks outside the box. I perceive the world in different ways. Yet along with that wonder comes a dark side, where no one understands. To be seen as being offensive and cruel at times, when I mean nothing more than a different point of view.

One of the hardest things I deal with is over sensitivity. Imagine this: You are wandering into a noisy room and you can hear everyone's conversations, now times that level of noise to the level of a concert. You began to feel dizzy, your heart begins to pulsate in your chest, the vibrations become too much. Everything around you is attacking you, the noise, the smells, and the movement. Someone is asking you, "Are you okay?" You can't respond, you are over burdened by senses, and your mind seeps itself into survival instinct. Soon you're caught in a swirl of emotions as your heart races. There's no escape from it, and you can't help but shake. You don't understand what is going on, so you begin to feel helpless and weak. The sounds! Oh those sounds, make e'm stop! You scream in your mind because your voice becomes faint from being paralyzed with fear. Thoughts run rampant, what if? what if? And soon your are twisted into a climax of feelings.

Here's a tip to those who have children with Autism and Aspergers : Your raised voice sounds like yelling, your yelling sounds like screaming, and you don't want to know what screaming sounds like.

At lot of times people with Autism will rock or spin in circles. When I was little, the momentum from spinning in a circle reminded me of being hugged, because I could feel a gentle pressure. When I rocked, it reminded me of when my dad would rock me in the rocking chair. Somehow to this day I can recall that feeling even though I am 24.

It is important to note, that people with Autism and Aspergers have sensitive stomachs and often can get sick. For me simple meals is best, too much flavor I get overwhelmed, then I shut down and won't eat the rest of it. Sensory over load I call it. You know how when you keep pushing certain buttons on the computer and then it freezes? Yeah that's what it's like when you get too much noises,smells, tastes, and movements coming at you. Sometimes even touch can be too much.  So if someone has Autism, don't take it personal if they don't want to be hugged, the touch alone can be frightening. At least for me.


Another thing I would like to point about people with Autism and Aspergers syndrome. We have a tendency to be selfish and only think about what we want. Another example (and I have done this) Call my mom multiple times (because I THINK it's emergency and she HAS to know) and tell her I need to go grocery shopping right this instant...even though I could wait a few days. Of course my mom has to say "no not right now" and has to explain why.

People with Autism and Aspergers are not "nosey" they just like to know every detail because they will understand it better. So be aware of this and please do not get offended. It just helps to be specific with one who has Autism and Aspergers, because we think outside the box, and sometimes think too hard.

Interpretations

People can interpret things in so many ways, and unfortunately twist the truths of reality to something they perceive as  a threat or offensive. Words can hurt, and they can be said in so many ways and be seen as profane.

For instance, what you think as a compliment may be an insult to someone. Calling a pretty woman "hot" can be offensive to some and a compliment to others. So how do you know what to say? Look up words that people understand and perceive in a positive matter. Don't use slang, as hard as this is in a modern society, slang words can be weapons, and often unprofessional. I was a conference, and someone had said (as I am overweight now) that there should be thinner people that sit in the back of the car. (she was referring to herself.) Now I was trying really hard not to slip through into anger.There would've been a million different ways of saying that she should sit in the back like. "I think Betsy should sit up front because she likes to have more room." It's more understanding, and not pointing out the fact I am overweight.

Anyway, the internet (as a wonder it is) can be just as bad. Sarcasm should never be used on the internet because you can't use tones of voice. How can you distinguish sarcasm versus a compliment on the internet  Personally I can't, and I think most people can't either. It's something people need to be aware of. now I'm not saying I'm miss perfect, because I'm not. There are times I have offended people on accident because of the whole compliment/ insult theory.

The human brain is one of the most complex things in this world. It is like a computer, receiving information on a constant basis, and each brain has personal experience. This meaning that each person can perceive things differently. This can be a wonder as it also can be a menacing thought.

As a trauma victim myself, my feelings can be easily hurt, and often I don't handle anger and frustration well. When people verbally attack me, I feel like I have to explain myself. then the person will think I'm selfish. From there, things go out of hand. Trust me, I've had this happen recently.

What I thought was funny, was offensive to three people, (who in the end don't want anything to do with me) they took the context out to the extremes and used what they call martyr energy on me. One decided to tell their life story, and I felt like she wanted me to tell my life story which I didn't, and in the end I was called selfish. I am still wondering what happened, and why. So I decided to write about this because I think everyone (including myself) should be aware on how what they say and do can be perceived as being an insult. So when going into a professional environment, realize slang is not acceptable. Instead of saying "thinner" say petite, instead of "fat" say heavy set. Instead of hot, say beautiful. you get the idea, good luck trying to rearrange your speech. It's a lot harder than it seems. 

Back from Lansing

So I am back from Lansing, and the first thing I did when I got home was cuddle with my dear Claude Frollo. Having social anxieties and being with crowds for two days straight really brought the new meaning behind tolerance. I did have a panic attack when I was down there, but as usual, I had a picture of Frollo and my small doll with me to help me ease my nerves. I still missed my life-sized doll of Frollo, but you can't exactly put him in a suit case.

The trip was very productive over all. I spoke to Wayne Schmidt (legislator) and Howard Walker (Senator) and talked to them about the problems in Traverse City. What I had discussed, they were not very aware of. Employers in my town do not like to train people with disabilities. I had job hopped and nobody really wanted to deal with me. My brother who has Autism worked ended up leaving because he was being verbally abused by his employer.

I'm going to stay in contact with Wayne and keep him updated on the problems here in Traverse. Let's hope things will start to change.

Good vs Evil

In my existence, I used to think that there were two kinds of forces. Good and Evil. It wasn't until I fell in love with Frollo and realized that even "evil" people are capable of love, and "good" people are capable of doing evil. For instance, a man who swears constantly, has committed multiple crimes is still a good person, they just did bad things.  Now a true evil person would've had to commit wrong doing during the entire part of their lives, including child hood, not feel compassion, unconditional love, and regret. How many people do you know that have been so "evil" that they feel nothing throughout their entire life.

Our child hood is our innocence, so even in "evil" souls, there's still their past, a past where there too was good. Someone may have committed evil, but that doesn't deem them as a evil person. To me, a evil person has felt no love towards others, doesn't take revenge but commits murder because he/she can. An evil person has no emotion towards anything, regret or any of that such. Committing evil is much different than being evil, you'd have to be soulless and lack of emotion throughout childhood (regardless of events and teachings) all the way up to your life now.

It's easy to hate someone because they did something evil, vs, accepting that they did wrong and forgiving them for it. It takes ultimate love to forgive someone who has committed evil, and when I mean evil, I mean something cold, heartless, inhumane, and sinister. This is something we often over look, because we find it easier to hate than to love. The question is, how can you love someone who committed murder? Well it's hard and nearly next to impossible for the common human, but a dog or cat who knows nothing but of unconditional love knows. We have overindulged ourselves with judgment that we often forget, that there are reasons behind everything. To step back and accept that "wow, he/she made a mistake" is exceedingly difficult for anyone.

I admit, sometimes I cannot bear the fact of Frollo's wrong doings, but that was then, and now is now. I firmly believe in redemption, and our Lord loves us all regardless. It is hard to imagine, and the reason why God has not shown himself is because we cannot handle the truth. Love is shattered in this world, and our corrupt society has engulfed us all into a terrifying storm. We often over look that everyone is deserving of love.

On the contrary to evil is Good. Now I have met some people who claim to be "pure" and "righteous" who have committed the most evil doing of them all. I'm not saying they are evil, nor am I saying that people who have done evil are evil themselves. What I am saying is that ANYONE is capable of ANYTHING.

Here are some examples of evil doings committed by "good" people.
Bullying someone to suicide, because they feel what the person is doing is wrong
Killing someone, to rid of their "evil"
Sending death threats to someone because of their beliefs
doing something horrendous because "it said so in the bible" like murdering someone from the LGBT community.

Religion and believing in God/Goddess/whatever does not make you righteous in any way, it's how you treat his/her/whatever's creations. To go around saying someone is going to "Burn in Hell" because it goes against their religion isn't right and it can be very insulting and be considered bullying. Respect all things around you, you don't know their stories, so don't judge.

That person who has the Atheist tattoos? He's probably the nicest guy around, and least judgmental. I don't call myself a Christian. I am a spiritualist who also believes in rationality. I'll probably burn in Hell for writing this (according to some, not me)

On a side note, praying away problems doesn't always work, prayer is for guidance. Also take responsibility for your own actions, don't ask forgiveness from God, forgive the person, and try to forgive yourself, hard? yes, but it's more real