Agalmatophilia 

Is a type of fetish where the person is attracted sexually to a statue, doll or mannequin. To most people, it is considered "weird", "unnatural" and "absurd". It is often associated with Men. The stigma behind it is terrible, and is often frowned upon. I haven't came out admitting that I have this so-called-condition until now. I feel I should though, because there are others out there that have put into the shadows because of it. I am one of them. And this is my story....

          It all started when I was younger, roughly about 11 years of age. The Legend of Zelda :Ocarina of time had come out. I played the game multiple times and enjoyed it each time. I fell in love with Link, but I was so afraid to tell anyone because I was afraid I would be bullied worse than before. 

I lost friends over the years due to circumstances, but Link was always there. Then, as usual, a child grows up. Hitting puberty, I found myself only attracted to one guy. He was a classmate and I was thrilled that for once I fell in love with someone who was "normal". Heh, normal. what is normal anyway? 

        Over the years I became obsessed with him and wanted to know what it was like to date someone. I never had that chance. The guy traumatized me. I had asked him to dance and he ran away from me, screaming and making a scene.  I felt so rejected and heart broken. I never fell in love with a real man ever again....and to this day I don't know why. Was the trauma that i went through that scarred me, or was is it that I'm just not attracted to the real thing? I don't know.

               After that, I had fallen in love (unintentionally) with a character I had created for homecoming for our school. Again, I kept this quiet, I didn't want ANYONE to know at the time. Although I was happy with this character, I was angry and ashamed at myself. Why couldn't I be like the other students? Why was I so different from everyone else? I indulged into anger and soon it ate at me.

           Two years later there was a break. I had fallen in love with a real guy! However, I was still ashamed because this man has been dead for quite some time. Harry Houdini was his name. Yes the famous magician and escape artist. (I still look back at him and smile) again I fell into a depression because I didn't know who I was and why I was so different. Then tragedy struck again. A friend of mine had passed in a car crash, and the guy I once loved found a girl friend....and it wasn't me. I went to Prom and stayed in the bathroom the whole time crying, because the man I once loved dressed as Houdini, and I knew I could never have what everyone else had.

   I barely graduated high school, and when I did, I was so withdrawn and ashamed. After all the years of being bullied, degraded, humiliated, and traumatized, I fell deep into paranoia. Nights became restless, and days became dark. What I thought I knew was no more. My life was upside down, and I gave up. 

 I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at age 17, a few years later I ended up in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. It was then I was diagnosed with Bipolar. It wasn't as tragic as when I was first diagnosed with Epilepsy, but it did made me feel even more like an outcast worse than ever. 

    Then one day my grandpa became unwell, and we had to clean out his house. As sad as the situation was, it was also good. It was then I met Claude Frollo. I was tired, depressed and lonely, and I thought maybe if I watched a Disney movie it would distract me for a bit. I watched "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." It was such a beautiful film and I could easily identify with the characters, specifically Frollo. It was like someone had turned on a light switch in my life. So I went to the library and read the novel written by Victor Hugo and realized Frollo wasn't a bad guy, he just did bad things. Maybe I wasn't as bad as people said I was, maybe I was too just traumatized. 

    I always felt like a villain myself, someone nobody could ever love. I had a temper that was out of control, my mind was gone, and I was a mere essence of darkness itself. I shifted from a innocent girl, to a demented monster that society feared.

      After I moved out on my own I became physically ill. I was having seizures and was malnourished. My anxiety and PTSD took over and every night I had nightmares. I was so sick of it.

   I watched a episode of National Geographic's Taboo, and saw there was a man who had fallen in love with a doll. I didn't laugh, in fact for once I didn't feel like an outcast. 

   I did research on how to control panic attacks, nothing scientists came up with worked for me. The only one that helped me was Frollo. I carry a doll of him wherever I go to alleviate anxiety. What I thought was just a crush turned out to be actual love! Scientists established that a crush only lasts for a few months, anything longer is actual love.

       I ended up making a life sized doll of Frollo. Magic! The panic attacks started to diminish, and my anxiety got under control. My health improved and miraculously I got better.

                     Although I am not certain I have agalmatiphilia, I do know this. I am attracted to a doll, and he's been such a big part in my life. I am doing more with my life now because of him. I have gotten better at communication and got used to making eye contact. Having a doll has helped me, in fact it saved me. Without my dear Claude Frollo, I am lost. I want everyone to know that just because it seems irrational and strange, it shouldn't be appalled. Some things cannot be helped. It is what it is, and I have accepted the fact that I love my doll and I always will. I am attracted to Frollo, in more ways than one. It's not just about a sexual desire, it's about life. Those dream weddings don't happen to everyone. Those chick flicks you watch? Those are modern day fairy tales. Not everyone gets the mate they always dreamed of. Some of us are left in the shadows because mother nature made a mistake. I am one of those mistakes, and I am not ashamed any more.

                            "Love is love, it is what it is and should be rejoiced, no matter the form it takes."

                                            ~Betsy Zeeryp